Tour de Froth Industries Limited based out of Geneva Switzerland is likely to file suit in US federal court Wednesday May 12th over the newly announced Olympic Omnium rules. The Tour de Froth or “Le Tour” as it is known in every country but France, is claiming the Omnium rules are so convoluted, so arcane, so twisted and so gruesome that they infringe on the pissy bureaucratic niche-brand that le greatest spectacle in racing has become known for. “The Tour de Froth established a proud history of arbitrarily perverting athletic tradition long before the Olympic committee hired career politicians to obscure the purity of athletic competition.” stated TDF President Les Spectacle.
“The Omnium now becomes six random events with six disciples running concurrently over two days, with some longer races that use motorized Shriner carts. Why disciples are in the event and what they are disciples of has not been announced. What kind of perverted mind would come up with this? I thought we’d hired all of them, so I’d like the committee to know that we are still hiring.” Mr. Spectacle continued.
The new Omnium format will be run at the world championships and the Olympics, furthermore the committee plans no clarification of whether or not the Omnium will be run at the world cups for the all important qualification points. The committee has stated that the athletes can find out “like everyone else does: on TV during the event.”
According to the new track racing regulations on the UCI’s website the omnium will consist of six events and will be held over two days, in the following order.
1 – Flying Leap (tt)
2 – Points Made (men: some, women: several)
3 – Process of Elimination
4 – Individual Pursuit/Monkey Chase (men: ten minutes, women: twenty minutes)
5 – Laser Tag
6 – Motorized Tourist Trophy tt (short men), (tall women)
The elimination race, also known as “run because the devil is chasing you” sees the last rider across the line taken out of the race based on their moral character. Competitors are objecting to the seemingly subjective points system which include devices such as the “coin flip” and “Crawfish Picks a Square.” Said one potential Olympic competitor who requested anonymity, “I don’t see what any of this has to do with cycling or racing or anything for that matter. Why not just choose several random dudes and send them pedaling off to the mall on Huffys and call that the Omnium? Or how about having professionally trained athletes chase some monkeys on bikes around the track? That would be equally insulting.” The UCI says it will take these suggestions into consideration in the new format.
Flanked by lawyers, Spectacle continued, “This blatant disregard for the efforts of dedicated athletes around the world cannot go unchallenged… blatant disregard is our job and the Olympic committee is cutting into our bread and butter. We created the greatest international cycling competition and these johnny-come-lately pretenders like the Olympics are trying to horn in on our turf.”
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