Tour de Froth

Tour de Froth Stage Five: August 19th, 12:30pm, Portland Oregon

Mon, 15 Aug 2011 12:00:00 -0700

Get ready to bike on some of the most grueling bike paths known to man.
Mile after mile of mind-numbing flat well groomed bike paths punctuated with the occasional bear.
Join hundreds of thousands of riders at the premier global cycling event.
Friday, August 19th at 12:30.
For location of the starting line, email qualifiedrider@tourdefroth.com

Leaked Video Exposes Incompetence Of TDF Stage Planning Committee

Tue, 24 Aug 2010 12:00:00 -0700

A video leaked to the media on Monday exposed the rampant incompetence of the stage planning committee responsible for the rescheduling of several stages this year. Insiders say that this video was the smoking gun which led to the mass firing of the staff in Geneva Switzerland last week. New TDF corporate spokesperson, Tony Hayward, couldn’t be reached on his yacht for commentary, but it is likely that there will be no further firings until new staff can be hired. TDF has released a statement that the final three stages will be announce in the coming week.

Leaked Video of TDF Stage Planning Committee from Les Spectacle on Vimeo.

Massive shake up at Tour de Froth

Thu, 19 Aug 2010 12:00:00 -0700

In an unprecedented shake-up at the Tour de Froth HQ in sunny Geneva Switzerland, Les Spectacle has fired the entire staff of 326 people including “That fucking mailroom guy.” The new corporate spokesperson, Tony Hayward, issued an apology to TDF fans about the cancelled and rescheduled stages stating that the “erratic behavior of the organizing committee has undermined an institution which has defined bicycle racing for over two centuries. We will reschedule and conduct the regular tour schedule in this order: stage 5 Oregon to be announced in the next 2 weeks, followed by stage four and then stage three. This will go as smoothly as a precision drilling operation.” Fans of TDF have become restless in recent months at the lack of communication and conflicting messages from the TDF committee. President Les Spectacle commented “If the fans want racing then in addition to feeding them cake, we will give them racing.”

Investigation Launched into Failed Skunk Hazard on Stage 2 of Tour de Froth.

Wed, 26 May 2010 12:00:00 -0700

The feared Skunk Hazard of the Colorado stage ran into a problem when the skunk was killed prior to the arrival of the Peloton. “It’s not much of a hazard if the riders just ride by without even noticing.” said Stage Captain Dave Benson. We will probably refund the entire entrance fee to all of the competitors. Stage 2 winner Joshua commented that he noticed the skunk and it looked pretty dead. The Hazard is clearly visible in the Mash-Up video released early today.

2010 TDF Stage Two – Mash-Up from Les Spectacle on Vimeo.

Mash-Up

New Comer Takes Amber Jersey in Stage 2 Tour de Froth

Tue, 25 May 2010 12:00:00 -0700

New comer Joshua Martinsons has run away with the second stage of the 2010 Tour de Froth. “Competition could not have been more brutal,” noted TDF historian, Gabriele Susanne Kerneri, “This may be the most notable sporting event of the 21st century. Here we have a regular guy who jumps in without worrying about the risk or the danger to himself rides through the beautiful country side of Colorado and just walks away with the Jersey, or rides away, awkward phrasing sorry…”

Joshua says he’s not a hero, but just ”an ordinary guy who had a dream”.

“I’m not a hero. I’m just a policeman, just an old time cop,” continued Joshua. “I’m not a hero, the heroes are over there…” as he motioned in the direction of the frozen foods section of a nearby grocery store. Onlookers were slightly baffled by the gesture.

The TDF Second Stage was also notable for the dramatic second place showing of @BIKEBOY_1 of Melbourne Australia. Stage Captain Dave_Benson commented, “We have a situation where a non-competitor has not only placed but moved up in the overall standings. It doesn’t even make sense. Look, without question we will be petitioning to DQ all Australians preemptively in the next stage. This is ridiculous.”

When asked for commentary on BikeBoy’s controversial finish, Joshua added “I’m not a hero. I think anyone would have done what I did … any bloke would have done it to protect his neighbourhood, I’m just doing my job. I’ll always be doing my job. That’s what I’m here for – to save lives and protect people.” He was welcomed back home by thousands of cheering well orchestrated city employees from the republic of Boulder’s department of citizen pride and self-esteem.

Despite hopping a train to Boulder and spending the entire race sipping lattes at Amante, crowd favorite @Jerrim failed to make the podium. She joined last year's overall Amber Jersey winner, Holger Schlechter, as one of the many non-competitors who failed to finish the race. When asked about the shocking disappointment in @Jerrim’s finish, Stage Captain Dave Benson said “This is normal, if you’re not in the race how can you finish? What the hell kind of question is that? What the hell is the matter with you? We’re cycling here people. This is cycling”

2010 S2 Amber Jersey Winner from Les Spectacle on Vimeo.

Infringement Suit Pending Against Olympic Committee and New Omnium Cycling Rules

Mon, 10 May 2010 12:00:00 -0700

Tour de Froth Industries Limited based out of Geneva Switzerland is likely to file suit in US federal court Wednesday May 12th over the newly announced Olympic Omnium rules. The Tour de Froth or “Le Tour” as it is known in every country but France, is claiming the Omnium rules are so convoluted, so arcane, so twisted and so gruesome that they infringe on the pissy bureaucratic niche-brand that le greatest spectacle in racing has become known for. “The Tour de Froth established a proud history of arbitrarily perverting athletic tradition long before the Olympic committee hired career politicians to obscure the purity of athletic competition.” stated TDF President Les Spectacle.

“The Omnium now becomes six random events with six disciples running concurrently over two days, with some longer races that use motorized Shriner carts. Why disciples are in the event and what they are disciples of has not been announced. What kind of perverted mind would come up with this? I thought we’d hired all of them, so I’d like the committee to know that we are still hiring.” Mr. Spectacle continued.

The new Omnium format will be run at the world championships and the Olympics, furthermore the committee plans no clarification of whether or not the Omnium will be run at the world cups for the all important qualification points. The committee has stated that the athletes can find out “like everyone else does: on TV during the event.”  

According to the new track racing regulations on the UCI’s website the omnium will consist of six events and will be held over two days, in the following order.

1 – Flying Leap (tt) 

2 – Points Made (men: some, women: several) 

3 – Process of Elimination 

4 – Individual Pursuit/Monkey Chase (men: ten minutes, women: twenty minutes) 

5 – Laser Tag

6 – Motorized Tourist Trophy tt (short men), (tall women) 

The elimination race, also known as “run because the devil is chasing you” sees the last rider across the line taken out of the race based on their moral character. Competitors are objecting to the seemingly subjective points system which include devices such as the “coin flip” and “Crawfish Picks a Square.” Said one potential Olympic competitor who requested anonymity, “I don’t see what any of this has to do with cycling or racing or anything for that matter. Why not just choose several random dudes and send them pedaling off to the mall on Huffys and call that the Omnium? Or how about having professionally trained athletes chase some monkeys on bikes around the track? That would be equally insulting.” The UCI says it will take these suggestions into consideration in the new format.

Flanked by lawyers, Spectacle continued, “This blatant disregard for the efforts of dedicated athletes around the world cannot go unchallenged… blatant disregard is our job and the Olympic committee is cutting into our bread and butter. We created the greatest international cycling competition and these johnny-come-lately pretenders like the Olympics are trying to horn in on our turf.”

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TDF 2010: Fear of the Hazards.

Mon, 03 May 2010 12:00:00 -0700

Competitors during the Arizona first stage of 2010 Tour de Froth became alarmed when a fan showed up along the route waving cowbells. “We’d read about the ‘screaming in French’ and ‘waving of foam-hands’ from previous years, so I think that we were all terrified that this was the beginning of the infamous Congo Line Hazard. (CLH™)” exclaimed competitor Larry Hendon. The “Congo Line Hazard” is a ten mile gauntlet of Frenchmen dressed in disco clothing waving rubber chickens. This hazard inspires dread among TDF competitors world-wide. “It’s the primary reason that Felice Gimondi dropped out of the 1968 TDF Stage Three, well that and the balloons.” noted TDF historian, Gabriele Susanne Kerneri.

“Look, TDF Stage One didn’t feature the CLH™ because we blew our budget on stray dogs and double wide gravel trailers,” commented Stage One Captain Sean Mellor, “… if Tour de Froth headquarters want us to truck a bunch of damn Frenchmen all the way out into the Arizona desert, then those fat cats in sunny Geneva Switzerland are going to have to shell out a few more bucks for the Stage Budget.”

While many United States based cycling events feature the riders in bizarre costume or various stages of undress, the Tour de Froth is known for its adherence to the ridiculous looking spandex competitive riding apparel also seen in lesser known events such as the Tour de France, Giro d’Italia and Vuelta a España. Another difference between the Tour de Froth and these less challenging races is that froth fans will usually show up dressed in ludicrous garb mixing a variety of social trends, for example Mardi Gras and Disco, Circus Clowns and Golfing Pros, Pirates and Bankers, Pirates and Senators, or Pirates and Congresspersons and so forth. Many froth fans claim that this is something about the “duality of man.”

The Tour de Froth is the most well regarded bicycling race in the world because of its action packed hazards, brutal physical challenges, Caltech-degreed podium girls and prodigious set of regulations. Most teams employ a gaggle of lawyers in order to secure a legally sound victory. Riders are gearing up for “Cyclone,” the brutal Stage 2. Follow them on May 22nd.

Fear: Cycling Hazards from Les Spectacle on Vimeo.

Jerri Manley of Bicycle Radio takes TDF Stage One

Tue, 27 Apr 2010 12:00:00 -0700

The full results are yet to be certified by the TDF judges due to litigation by almost every contestant, however one thing is clear; Jerri Manley has handed a crushing defeat to the entire field including the 2009 Amber Jersey holder, Holger Schlechter who ended with a disappointing 4th place. Jerri’s ride was punctuated with Ferrari like finesse through the wild dog hazard, as well as on the construction zone hazard, handing her the victory by a historic margin. Organizers are saying that the full results will be in by Friday afternoon. One of the main points of contention being that @bikeboy_1 has been reported to have secured 3rd place while riding drunk on a bicycle trainer at his flat in Australia.

USADA mandates last minute doping controls at start of TDF Stage 1

Sat, 24 Apr 2010 12:00:00 -0700

Riders expressed disappointment with the organizer of the Tour de Froth when the USADA imposed last minute doping controls before the start of the 2010 Tour de Froth Stage 1. “You explain this to the Shriners that they can’t do an encore performance before the start of the race.” shouted Tour de Froth president, Les Spectacle, before getting into a limo to speed off to the exclusive Tempe Shalimar Country club for a 9:00am tee time.

TDF competitors grumble after USADA announced last minute mandatory doping controls.

Tragedy in le Tour de Froth IT Dept.

Mon, 15 Mar 2010 12:00:00 -0700

Geneva Switzerland. A rampaging bear consumed 72.5% of le Tour de Froth IT Staff today in a horrific scene that was described by witnesses as “horrific.” Unfortunately today was the scheduled launch of a new website for the premier cycle racing event, and all IT staff members were on hand at the time of the bear attack. “This was supposed to be a celebration,” said Tour de Froth President, Les Spectacle, “instead it was a gruesome and cruel underutilization of staff efforts and resources.” Although the site still was launched, it was delayed by several hours for clean up efforts. Newly nicknamed IT Admin, Lefty Sinclair, launched the site at 9:30 PST with an appropriate tribute to the fallen IT staff. “They may be eaten, but they are not forgotten.” Investigators are still trying to determine how the bear managed to get up to the 10th floor and into the key-pass protected secure server room.

Applications are open – 2010 Stages set

Tue, 01 Dec 2009 12:00:00 -0800

Applications for the 2010 Tour de Froth opened today and we haven’t seen this much enthusiasm since we recently attended a book signing. The 2010 Stages have been announced and the pain is in the air.

STAGE ONE: “Tempest” – April 24th
Tempe, AZ – 40 brutal miles

STAGE TWO: “Cyclone” – May date TBD
Boulder/Ft Collins CO – 50 crushing miles

STAGE THREE: “The Irishman” – June date TBD
Location still TBD

STAGE FOUR: “The Twister ” – July date TBD
Napa Valley, CA (Or alternate CA local TBA)- 40 grueling miles

STAGE FIVE: “Leo’s Whirlwind ” – August 21st
Ocean Park, Washington – Cannon Beach Loop, OR – 50 cakewalk miles

2010 Stages almost finalized

Fri, 13 Nov 2009 12:00:00 -0800

The final preparations and back room deals are being made in the needlessly bureaucratic and bribe laden stage selection process. In a brief interview at the airport in Burbank California, Les Spectacle, Tour de Froth President, noted that this would be a banner year for arm twisting and influence peddling that would “put to shame” other professional sports. “Amateurs,” noted Les. “Tour de Froth can wrangle backroom deals like no other sporting event committee on earth. We put them to shame.” He followed up with an uncharacteristic fist pump in the air after adjusting his ascot and monocle. Thus far stages have been set for Tempe Arizona, Heidelberg, Germany and Portland, Oregon. “We’re looking at California, Colorado and Illinois for the selection of the final two stages and right now we’re weighing the advantages and opportunities for complimentary accommodations and free pretzels.” Les waved off further questions before climbing aboard the Tour de Froth private jet to return to sunny Geneva Switzerland.

Green Light to Tour de Froth Podium Girls

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 12:00:00 -0800

In a move sure to offend and delight, Les Spectacle, Tour de Froth President, gave the green light today to the inclusion of Podium Girls in the 2010 Tour de Froth. When asked if this would create an issue if women won individual stages or even the overall Tour, Les responded: “I’m wearing a monocle… do I look like I belong in this century?”

Spectacle ignites the spark for 2010 Tour de Froth

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 12:00:00 -0700

One week before the 2009 Tour de Froth winner announcement, TDF President Les Spectacle may have ignited the slow fuse to next year’s edition by congratulating the as yet unnamed winner for his tactics during this year’s event. Spectacle commented on the fact “the winner” disobeyed team orders during the fifth stage, when he wore a cape of many colors. This coincided with an unauthorized song and dance routine that left spectators standing in the aisles and other competitors vexed and frustrated. Although other riders played down the episode in the moments after the stage finish, by Tour’s end it was apparent that next year's event would involve an even greater level of legal wrangling and advanced mathematics. A rider who asked to speak off record quipped, “They haven’t banned capes yet? That’s so nineties.”

Schlechter Takes 09 Tour de Froth Win

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 12:00:00 -0700

Holger Schlechter of Affaltrach Germany has won the 2009 Tour de Froth with an amazing last minute surge through the legal system.

Holger landed at the top of the points board when he opted out of the fifth stage ten mile bonus sprint, completed only by Werner Schmidt and Austen Angell. Moments after completing the crushing final climb along the Oregon Coast both Werner and Austen were disqualified thus clinching the fifth stage win and the overall tour for Holger. Stated competitor Werner after hearing the disappointing news: “The rules committee has a bratwurst in the head, they are the ones who should be checked for doping.” What is most remarkable about his win is that Holger only just barely beat out competitor Dean Cowherd, 3rd stage winner, who during the “frosty” stage held in Santa Cruz, completed only 5 miles of the required 220 miles for the total tour. Holger stated during the competition that if he won he intended to give away the prize money to charity so of course he was gravely disappointed to find there was no prize money to give away.

Burns out of Tour de Froth

Tue, 18 Aug 2009 12:00:00 -0700

In a slurred statement to members of the press, Tour de Froth competitor, and Irishman, Tom Burns has withdrawn from the fifth and final stage. "Friday the 21st? I have to work that day." splurted the whiskey sodden Irishman. Coincidently the Tour de Froth released a photo of the fifth stage Astoria bridge hazard only hours earlier.

War of words continues in Tour de Froth

Tue, 11 Aug 2009 12:00:00 -0700

Acrimony continues to hover over the Tour de Froth as it heads into its fifth and final stage. Current Amber jersey holder, Austen, reiterated his dismissal of competitor Holger's recent jabs, calling them "un-German" and "douchy". Holger in turn referenced his own low modulus elastomeric properties and their probable effect in rebounding Austen's comments in a manner whereby they would affix themselves to Austen, with the implication that Austen has adhesive qualities which would retain said comments. Amid the bitter feud, recently qualified racer Werner, tried to downplay the situation by stating that he was planning on "laying down such a massive can of bavarian whoop-ass as to make both of them cry tears of blood." Les Spectacle, Tour de Froth president, answered reporters questions by stating that Werner's comments were much more in line with the keen sense of fair play and sportsmanship that characterizes the Tour de Froth."

Russian Victor Morduev joins Tour de Froth on stage four

Sat, 08 Aug 2009 12:00:00 -0700

Victor Morduev of the former Soviet Union has qualified for the Tour de Froth by substituting a bribe in place of his entrance exam. Qualifying riders may now substitute vodka and fish eggs in lieu of completing the exam. The mayor of Victor's home city, Khabarovsk, declared the month of August a drinking holiday, which brings August in line with the rest of the months in Khabarovsk. Tour de Froth President, Les Spectacle, released a statement predicting that the Russian will "bring an increased level of intensity and professionalism to the final stages of the Tour." Unfortunately, Victor was disqualified five minutes into stage four with a flat tire.

Tempers flare during fourth stage of Tour de Froth

Sat, 08 Aug 2009 12:00:00 -0700

The rivalry between Tour de Froth competitors, Austen and Holger, erupted into an embarrassing shouting match over Holger's insistence that Mopeds are inappropriate in the tour. “My relationship with Austen is zero," Holger said in a YouTube video posted to his account. Holger continued on his Tumblr account: “He is a great rider and has completed a great race but it is another thing on a personal level, where I have never had great admiration for him and I never will." Angell responded via his Twitter feed, and was clearly angry. “Seeing these comments from Holger, If I were him I’d drop this drivel. Hey Pistolero, there is no "I" in Bratwurst." Holger responded on Facebook: "Vas is los "Pistelero?"

Controversial fourth stage win by Austen Angell, ignites firestorm of protest

Sat, 08 Aug 2009 12:00:00 -0700

The fourth stage of the Tour de Froth erupted into frenzy of appeals and protests after stage three winner Holger was disqualified for whining. Holger opined: "Riding on the highway is like, really boring, 'n shit. It's like totally for geezers." His statement triggered a prompt disqualification motion by tour president, Les Spectacle. Les further commented that the tour would not tolerate "severe buzzkills" by the "Nattering Nabobs of Negativity." Responding to a question about competitor Holger's disqualification, Austen quipped, "Perhaps this will shut that German's Piehole." Fans of Tour de Froth are now looking at a brutal four way competition heading into the fifth and final stage of the 2009 Tour de Froth, and observers are noting that it could be dark horse rider and drunken sot, Tommy Burns, who sobers up to emerge from the rear of the pack in a fifth stage upset.